When boys shut down and push everyone away, parents often become confused or upset. This can cause parents to pepper their son with questions, making it seem to the boy that their “need to know” is the real issue.
It’s hard for parents — or anyone reaching to a boy, such as teachers or coaches — not to feel like a failure when their sons reject invitations to connect. For parents whose stress is already high or who are struggling with self-esteem, anger and hurt are natural reactions. The boy becomes the problem — an attitude that boys quickly pick up on and attempt to shield themselves from.
To break this too-common cycle in relationships with boys and ensure that every boy finds the connections he needs as developing humans, here are some suggestions.
From the design of their brains to the depths of their being, boys long to be known and loved, particularly by the ones they have taken into their hearts. They are, in the words of psychiatrist Amy Banks, “wired to connect.” Built into our human natures are neurological systems that prioritize relationships. When boys are surly, uncommunicative, blaming, or worse, they’re showing us how they’re feeling. Putting feelings to words is a skill that’s systematically suppressed in boyhood, but it’s a start that they “tell” us in attitude and action. We should listen, without judgment or any need to correct.
There aren’t right feelings or wrong feelings, inappropriate or inconvenient ones: all negative feelings are manifestations of distress seeking expression. Adults must keep in mind that it’s better for the boy to show he’s experiencing difficult emotions than to hide them, even if it can be uncomfortable for everyone involved. We shouldn’t take their upset personally, because when do, the moment becomes about us. In our culture as a whole, boys are allowed less practice expressing their feelings, at the expense of their emotional development. It’s the keepers of boyhood, parents particularly, who can provide them with opportunities to communicate, by starting where they are and patiently encouraging their voice.
As the ones offering attention, care, and listening — what psychologists call a child’s “holding environment” — parents have what boys need. When parents look for reassurance from their sons, the implicit message to the boy is that, once again, it’s less about knowing and loving him than taking care of his parents’ unsteady ego. Faced with the daunting and sometimes life-threatening pressures of boyhood, what boys need is a time when they can connect with someone who’s able to be bigger than their particular upsets. Big enough to take them as they are, where they are.
Boyhood already seems heavy to boys. When we come to our sons fraught with worries and concerns, we’re inadvertently compounding their already heavy emotional burdens. Instead, if we can summon a playful, lighthearted confidence, reflecting back to them that they’re a source of great delight to us, it helps them put their own immediate struggles in perspective.
Cut off from more verbal ways to work through their upsets, many boys tend to act them out. When we observe a boy whose behavior is “off,” it’s a sign that his feelings have overwhelmed his mind and are driving him to do or say things that don’t represent who he really is. Misconduct is a cry to be listened to, not controlled, dominated, or punished — unless the boy has become so lost that he could hurt someone else or himself. A model for correcting misbehavior that doesn’t rely on “command and control” offers boys critical opportunities to exercise emotional regulation in the most natural context: a relationship where they are known and loved. One such model is Listen, Limit, Listen — making sure that his behavior is truly off, it’s not merely our irritation; gently but firmly interrupting it; then listening to whatever hurt feelings well up.
By maintaining strong connections and listening when boys’ stresses overwhelm their abilities to regulate themselves, parents have the power to help their sons. From such experiences, boys discover their own power, develop their emotional voices, and deepen their relationships.
Michael C. Reichert, Ph.D. is a consulting psychologist at The Haverford School and author of How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men. Dr. Reichert will be speaking at The Haverford School on Wednesday, May 8 at 7 p.m. To attend, click here.