We can go a long way by recognizing, establishing or illustrating the worthiness and legitimacy of another’s concerns, feelings or perspectives. Offering such validation doesn’t necessarily mean we agree. But we are acknowledging and accepting without judgment. When we validate, we communicate love, understanding and authenticity.
A crucial component of effective dialectical behavior therapy, validation is a skill set focused on helping people develop empathy, understanding and acceptance. It fosters healthier communication by reducing negative feelings and improving interpersonal dynamics by minimizing that conflicts created by misunderstandings. Validating statements say, “I hear you. I see you. I’m not judging you. I care about your feelings.” Here are a few examples:
- “It makes sense that you feel so frustrated.”
- “I can see you’re really upset.”
- “I understand why you feel that way.”
What isn’t validation? Dismissing, rejecting or minimizing another’s feelings, thoughts, behaviors and perspectives. It sends a clear message that their emotional experience is inaccurate, insignificant or unacceptable, prompting confusion and self-doubt. In its worst form, invalidation is a form of emotional manipulation and abuse. At times, we’ve all said something like this to friends and family:
- “It could be worse.”
- “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
- “I’m not having this discussion.”
Dialectical behavioral therapy employs these six levels of validation to help strengthen relationships:
- Pay attention. In today’s world, being fully present can feel like an tall order. Yet this is a key component to validation. Lean into your conversations and look at the person speaking to you.
- Reflect back without judgment. Clarify what you don’t understand by asking, “Did I get this right?” or, “Am I understanding what you’re saying?”
- Read between the lines. Pay attention to nonverbal communication—body language, demeanor, facial expressions. A way to express curiosity in this area is to say, “I’m reading from your face that something seems wrong,” or, “I can see you’re really hurt. This must be painful.”
- Keep in mind that past experiences inform the present. No two people are exactly the same. We all have unique thoughts, feelings and experiences.
- Normalize feelings. Show empathy by helping them realize their feelings are understandable—and that most people would feel the same way.
- Radical genuineness. Be truly authentic and present in your interactions. Genuineness cultivates feelings of safety, security and acceptance.
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