One of the more pointless exercises conducted by fans and media every spring is the breakdown of an NFL team’s schedule for the coming season. We await the announcement as if we were Donald Trump getting ready for a camera’s red light, and then we figure out just how the home team is going to do every week.
It’s ridiculous, really. How can anyone forecast whether a team will be playing well or poorly come November, or which squads will be crippled by injuries in December? Further, how can anyone know for sure which week will bring the absolutely unfathomable Eagles loss (Miami last year) or completely improbable victory (New England)?
That’s why, after examining the Eagles’ 2016 schedule with the kind of attention Johnny Manziel gives to ruining his career, El Hombre has decided that a perfect, 16-0 season lies ahead for the local side, and that fans should be rat-holing money for playoffs and Super Bowl tickets.
Let’s look at how it will break down, week by week.
Game 1: Cleveland. The Browns are so bad that city representatives are considering shipping them off to Akron. Johnny Trainwreck is gone, and the Browns’ QB depth chart now looks like Marco Rubio’s presidential campaign: cooked. Eagles 60, Cleveland 4.
Game 2: at Chicago. Even though the teams combined to go 13-19 last year, the NFL deemed this matchup Monday Night Football-worthy. Guess the league is still mad about Bill Simmons calling Roger Goodell a liar and is sticking ESPN with the worst MNF matchups possible. At last check, Jay Cutler is still quarterbacking the Bears. ’Nuff said. Eagles 40, Chicago 11.
Game 3: Pittsburgh. The Stillers haven’t won in Philadelphia since the Johnson administration, so why should this year be any different? Eagles 35, Pittsburgh 22.
Game 4: at Detroit. Somehow, the Eagles lost by 100 to Detroit last Thanksgiving. The good news? Megatron has retired, so Matthew Stafford has no one to bail him out when he starts self-destructing. Revenge is sweet. Eagles 50, Detroit 2.
Game 5: at Washington. The Washington NFL franchise somehow won the East last year with Kirk Cousins under center. No way that happens again. And no way Little Danny Snyder’s team plays well two years in a row. Eagles 30, Washington 12.
Game 6: Minnesota. The Vikings will still be reeling from the botched chip shot field goal against Seattle in last year’s playoffs. Chants of “Wide left!” will haunt the Norsemen all year. Eagles 38, Minnesota 5.
Game 7: at Dallas. Tony Romo will be out with a fractured collarbone/clavicle/shoulder blade, and his substitute will stink. Again. Eagles 80, Dallas 0.
Game 8: at Giants. Admit it, you’re going to miss Tom Coughlin’s sideline antics. The Giants will miss his coaching. Eagles 42, Giants 6.
Game 9: Atlanta. Here comes revenge for last year’s opening-game loss. By this point, the Falcons should be in the midst of their nearly annual swoon. Eagles 31, Atlanta 5.
Game 10: at Seattle. A real test here. The Seahawks are tough at home. But the 12th Man flag wilts as the real Birds harass Russell Wilson all game. Brandon Graham: six sacks. Eagles 24, Seattle 3.
Game 11: Green Bay. Talk about your back-to-back challenges. This is the Eagles’ toughest test of the year, but Sam Bradford outduels Aaron Rodgers and picks up an endorsement deal from Allstate after the game. Eagles 27, Green Bay 13.
Game 12: at Cincinnati. The Bengals will stink all season, as the memory of last year’s playoff collapse haunts them. They might not even show up for this one. Eagles 50, Cincinnati 9.
Game 13: Washington. See Game 5. Eagles 35, Washington 8.
Game 14: at Baltimore. Remember when the Ravens were good? They aren’t anymore. Eagles 24, Baltimore 13.
Game 15: New York Giants. See Game 8. Eagles 38, Giants 15.
Game 16: Dallas. Cowboys suck! Eagles 90, Dallas 1.
Get your playoff tickets now.
EL HOMBRE SEZ: There aren’t many things better for Philadelphia fans than watching Jonathan Papelbon blow another save against the Phillies—unless it’s seeing five Red Sox runners picked off at first while Ruben Amaro struggles to yell “BACK!” at the right time.