Illustration by Tim Foley
Today’s preschool admissions process isn’t for the weak of heart. We must nurture our future innovators by compelling them to think outside the (sand) box. Call it “The Main Line Hunger Games, Preschool Edition.” The reward: Acceptance to the preschool of choice and a year’s tuition paid in advance by the vanquished. May the admissions odds be ever in your favor.
Event 1: Start your engines. A mile stretch of Lancaster Avenue is closed for our tiny finalists. How will Ethan fare on his Big Wheel in the simulated rush-hour traffic? Will Emma’s pink Hummer have enough battery power to make it to the finish line?
Event 2: It’s App Time! Wherein the little tykes have the opportunity to create the next online sensation. Unsure whether Mason is the next Mark Zuckerberg? No need to get his OshKoshes in a bunch. Have him cater to his demographic. A few examples:
Yelp for Kids: “The mac and cheese was sublime, but the organic chocolate-chip cookie was masquerading as homemade.”
Uber, Carpool Edition: Parents sign up to pick up or drop off on any given day. All major credit cards accepted; tip included.
Instagrandparent: FaceTime with simulated grandparents anytime on this useful app.
MyToddlerTrends: This personalized social- media feed—think Pinterest for tots—provides updates based on the user’s daily whims and interests. Today, Olivia loves graham crackers. Tomorrow, they’ll be gross and must be disposed of immediately—as signified by the frowning emoticon.
Event 3: Sibling Cry-valry. “Mommy! He took my light saber!” “Daddy! She pinched my arm!” It’s time to stop the whining and step into the ring for a straight-up steel-cage match, where only one victor emerges. By order of Child Protective Services: The steel cage must be made of Twizzlers, and all combat will be conducted with certified Nerf apparatus.
Now, we’re getting serious.
Katie Bambi-Kohler reserves all copyrights on the aforementioned apps. Anyone found in breach will suffer the wrath of Katniss Everdeen.