Four Types of King of Prussia Mall Shoppers

Some shoppers reign supreme, while other fall somewhat to the retail wayside. Which one are you?

Illustration by Jen Kalis
Some local pairings are legendary: Marc Vetri behind the stove, Chase Utley at second base, Bradley Cooper on the big screen … and the female shopper at King of Prussia Mall. When it comes to the latter, the contenders to the throne are easy to identify.

Chief Shopping Executive

Forgoing lunch for flash sales, the CSE rules the KOP corridors like she does the boardroom, her quilted Chanel bag slung over her sharp, black-suited shoulder. 
Where you’ll find her: Nordstrom’s shoe department, Neiman’s fragrance and handbag sections, Ann Taylor.
Things you will never hear her say: “That’s OK. Take your time.” “I better check with my husband before I buy this.”
Royalty quotient: High. She knows exactly what she wants, as she just saw it in InStyle while getting a manicure. By dressing for the job she wants—not the oneshe has—she keeps the registers ringing.

Retail Mom

Dressed in yoga pants and a hoodie, her hair in a low-slung ponytail, the RM flaunts an ever-growing brood in a Bugaboo stroller that has more safety features than my first car. She stops only for coffee, half-off sales, and to breast-feed. Then it’s home for naptime.
Where you’ll find her: Gap Kids, Gymboree, Janie and Jack, Lululemon, Williams-Sonoma. 
What you will hear her say: “No, put that down.” “Madison and Kyle only eat organic.”
Royalty quotient: Average. It’s hard to shop with kids in tow and the ever-present threat of a temper tantrum. The RM’s stock rises when she returns alone or with friends and she actually buys something.

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Little Princess

Look for the LP in roving teenage packs. Dressed in leggings and Uggs, they’ve been watching Mom and know how to use that black AmEx.
Where you’ll find her: Hollister, Sephora, Abercrombie, the Cheesecake Factory, Juicy Couture.
What you’ll never hear her say: “I’ll get the fake Uggs; they’re cheaper than the real ones and look the same.”
Royalty quotient: Below average. Options for the under-21 crowd are limited, making KOP the old standby. They still have to get a ride and answer to those who who pay the bills.

Hardcore Housewife

Retail is the HH’s passion, to be shared only with her personal shopper on a Monday or Tuesday—and definitely not with the throngs trolling the clearance racks. She’ll never break a sweat carrying her haul to her Mercedes-Benz SL—and, yes, she sees you staring at her.
Where you’ll find her: At the south end of the mall … Neiman’s, Bloomingdale’s.
What you’ll never hear her say: “Is this on sale?” “Can you tell me how to get to Sears?”
Royalty quotient: Extreme. The HH sends sales associates’ hearts aflutter at the sound of her Louboutins. She doesn’t need a reason to shop—although trips to St. Martin and Aspen, Colo., do call for a wardrobe all their own.

Katie Bambi Kohler is a humor writer who lives in King of Prussia. Visit her blog at and follow @chzstkprincess on Twitter.

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